n i n e t e e n

February fourth, 2016

Hey hey hey tomorrow is my birthday.

I've got a lot of mixed emotions in this heart of mine, from being ecstatic to being apathetic and lurking-in-the-corner-esque. Typical me, right? Happy and sad all at once.

Because sometimes we humans just don't feel worthy of existence, you know? And today is one of those times for me. Maybe I'm just not worthy of being nineteen. Maybe I need to be eighteen for a little bit longer. Maybe I want to be eighteen for a bit longer.

I'm not feeling this whole "move forward, always make progress, keep running toward your goals" thing right now. Everything is kind of blah and grey and maybe that's because it's dark outside and the night always gives me the blues. I guarantee tomorrow I'll be happy and ready to flap my little wings and soar.


But tonight? Tonight is for listening to Halsey and being confused and figuring out if I've made it far enough to match up with my age. I know I'm not where I thought I would be last year. I thought I'd be published in a magazine or two by now. But silly old me took a wrong turn somewhere and got lost.

And yeah, I've found my way back to the path I'm supposed to be taking. Granted, I'm disoriented. And somewhere between stepping off this path of mine and stumbling back on it, I've been stripped of my bravery.

Yet I've gained a new kind. There are certain areas of my life where I know exactly how to do things and when to do them. Just not when it comes to what I actually want to do with my life. Because what I actually want to do is scary, and everyone has different opinions, different methods, and I've been too confused and too scared and too distracted to figure out what on earth I'm supposed to be doing.

February 6th, 2016

The rest of this post was supposed to be written yesterday. Obviously, it wasn't, and there are many happy reasons why:

I woke up at 6:40 to take a shower and get ready to leave with my dad. It's a birthday tradition. We always get donuts on my birthday, and we have to get to the donut shop early enough so the selection is still good. We ate them with tea and smiles, and then I opened presents.

After that, I actually ended up going to work (not to work though, just to get some food and to hang out). They'd all sung me happy birthday the evening before, and after the embarrassment, it had left me feeling happy and loved. I left yesterday feeling the same way.

I have really cool friends, guys.

I spent the rest of the day scarf shopping, eating out with my mom and my younger sister, and then reading. I'd written myself a birthday note the night before telling myself to celebrate this birthday the way it should be. It was a celebration of my life. So I wanted to celebrate it with my style. I told myself to get lost in as many happy memories and stories as I'd like.

So after seeing my friends and spending some time with family, I read. (The Heir by Kiera Cass, if anyone is interested. Those books are quite worth the read.)

So I was quite busy being happy and getting lost and relaxing. And, as I predicted, I was much happier. I am much happier. I know that being nineteen is something I can do. Something I will do. Hopefully very well. I'm going to pursue God with all my heart. Move forward. Run toward my goals.

There's this thing called hope. And it's something I need. It calms the depression that rises up in me. It keeps my sadness at bay. This year, my nineteenth, I'm planning on celebrating that hope in every way possible.

So here's to the next celebratory, beautiful, and hopeful year of my life. Here's to flapping my little wings and soaring.

Rebekah