on putting myself back together

the past few months have been confusing for me. my heart has been jumping from one place to the next, and my head can't think fast enough to stop it. my body—well, let's just say all of this confusion has taken a toll on it.

my dad asked me a while ago if i was content. and i said yes, because maybe i was. maybe i still might be.

but it's all one big battle for positivity with me. i told my best friend i'm not like any of the disney princesses because i'm too pessimistic. we thusly decided i'm the beast and laughed it off (because it's hilariously and sadly true).

but even the beast learned to love someone. he put himself back together, piece by piece. no curse could stop him—not with his loyal servants (and belle) beside him.

but everything is connected, i'm saying to myself right now. and maybe i've figured it out by now that i'm not actually content. i know i'm not 100% there yet.

i'm the beast. i'd claw myself to death if i had the courage. i live under a curse, bitterly taking it out on the ones who choose to put up with me. i lash out in the worst ways possible.

but everything is connected, and there's an email buried in my inbox telling me to love, love, love. loving people is how you end up content. so, to the beast that i am, i give my love. because before i can love others, i need to love myself.

and i'm watching the grass tickle the breeze on a beginning-of-spring day, deciding to love myself.

because i'm very rough with this person i'm inside of—with her heart and her body.

but i'm going to take care of her now. i'm going to put her back together and love her the way she's meant to be loved.

 and to be honest, i'm not really sure how to do that. i know it includes beautiful things and encouraging people and inspiring songs and long talks with the guy who thought the world needed a me.

but besides that—i'm lost.

so here's to my greatest adventure.