leaving vs. staying

So this post is what some would call unrefined, and what others would say has some "bad words" in it. Consider this your warning. I don't know if I've stated this before, but: I read somewhere that a blog shouldn't be like a journal. I think that's really dumb. I think a main reason to read is to learn. And that applies to blogs. And not just about academic-type things, but about real things. And this is a very real post with some very real resolutions. It also has a lot of sentences that start with conjunctions. I apologize for that.


It's been a rough day weekend, and I'm super emotional and upset, and it's unsettling.

The sadness kept getting to me all day, and it's left me moody and angry and stressed and tired due to all of these things.

My dad hurt his wrist and he's in a lot of pain. You see, I adore my dad and think he's basically the bestest ever, although I don't think he knows that. And I got really upset in church because I could see that he was hurting, and it made me want to punch something. Or someone.

No one specific.

Which gets really specific. Because that means I'm really angry at God, and that I want to punch him. And that's not cool. God isn't a punching bag. God knows best. Always.

But in my opinion, it's not fair that my dad is in so much pain. But it's not really a fairness thing. Because God isn't fair--that's a human thing. God is just. And he knows what my dad needs. And I guess my dad needs to hurt.

And I was dealing with a lot of little kids today, and now I'm wondering if I even want to have my own. It just looks really stressful and overwhelming, and I swear half of the moms I know or see at work ruin themselves for their kids. I don't want to do that.

Also. This election. It's so dumb. We've narrowed it down to two people for our next president. One is a traitor, the other is an asshole. How did the USA come to this? I don't understand how humans could be this gullible or blind or lazy or plain stupid or whatever it is that we've come to this.

You know what else? I've been witnessing a lot of leaving lately. And I've done some, and it hurts like crazy, and I really just want to fix everything, but I also want to do some more. I just want to leave, leave, leave, and not look back. But I happen to be incapable of not looking back. I also think I shouldn't leave. So I'm staying. At least until I can get my head on straight.

Maybe that all reminded me of the sin and darkness in this world. Maybe it was the weather. It's been pretty rainy here in northwestern Pennsylvania. Regardless, I have all of this weight on my shoulders or my head or my heart or my eyelids and I just want to scream and cry and sleep.

But I don't think sleep is going to help this kind of tiredness. And I don't think screaming is going to be a good enough release.

But I'm going to give this week my best shot. It's going to be a hard one. I don't know how, and I don't know why it's happening now. But it is. And I can deal with it because I have God on my side. I might cry. I might break down. But it's going to be okay. Because he knows best, and if I need to break down, well, then I need to. And if an idiot is going to become president, so be it. And if my dad is going to be in pain for longer, bring it on. And if I have to fight every part of my selfish being and stay, then okay. I can handle it.

Because he loves me. And he knows best. And I trust him.

And even if everything is falling apart, it'll fall back together soon enough.