14.1.17

Core

i realized something tonight.
it's a little strange that it even has to be a realization because it's something that should be obvious.
but for me, it was different. it required sitting in the kitchen with a cup of tea and what was probably a worrisome look on my face.
but it clicked.

i don't have to be sad.

now, that doesn't mean i thought i had to be sad. but it's been such a core part of who i am over the past few years that it's normal. being sad is part of my daily routine. and, strangely, it's welcomed.
but you know, maybe it's (definitely) unhealthy. and it's not something God wants for me.

and i got that tonight. this pressure was lifted off my chest, and i smiled.
life is just one long journey of discovery. it's unlearning all the presuppositions you formed when you were a kid. it's finding out things you probably should've learned in the eighth grade. it's realizing that you can decide to try to be happy. it may take you until you're almost twenty to figure that out. but you will, one day.

Take these sunken eyes and learn to see.
-"Blackbird," The Beatles

and you'll feel free. you'll be able to dance without your heart weighing you down. your smile will light up your eyes again. it will not happen over night. but it will happen.

so here's to being not-sad and free.

8 comments:

  1. I don't think that this is something you should have figured out a long time ago. I feel as though so many people never figure it out. And just the fact that you did is amazing! Thanks for this post!!

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    1. You know what? That's a good point. Thank you for pointing it out. :)

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  2. you go girl. that's right, you don't have to be sad! also.... a friend of mine told me this the other day "you don't have to be brave all the time"

    like... *blinks*

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    1. . . . Wow. Girl, I'm just as astonished as you are.

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  3. I so get this. Since I struggled with depression for such a long time, once I finally started getting better I felt a sort of grief over losing the familiar sadness that had been my companion for so long. I'm very glad you have learned to be not-sad. My prayer for you, dear sister, is that you would bloom like a wildflower. And here's the thing about wildflowers- they're wild. They grow in the most unexpected, bare places. They grow where their color is needed most.

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    1. Thank you. That is a beautiful prayer. :)

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  4. I love that picture and this post as a whole. you're right. you dont have to be sad. I remember when I found that out for myself. I woke up one morning and decided I was done being depressed all the time. and I let myself be free. but the strangest thing happened. I have found myself sad again.
    so heres the thing: you will be sad again. you will have that emotion come and go. but dont let it STAY. thats what makes all the difference. when it wanders its ugly head around, dont let it settle in.

    this is such a beautiful post and I needed the encouragement today. thank you <3

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    1. Thank you!
      And you're so right. I've found myself sad again, as I kind of expected. And I've found that, while I don't always, I do try to let it go. Thank you for /your/ encouragement. :)

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