//if you are not accustomed to what some people call "bad" or "swear" words, then i suggest you don't read this post, or get parental permission to, if you want to make sure it's okay. (AJ, that's you, my love.) otherwise, read on. but seriously. it's not a swear. it's a word. and it's at the endish of the post, so you could potentially read it and then just not read the rest. but, unfortunately, that would spoil the effect. so don't.//oceans" and "touch the sky." i was listening to these two songs, which is highly irregular because i'm not a huge fan of hillsong. but for once, i pushed my cynicism aside and let the music touch my heart.
i stood outside tonight and talked to God and celebrated finishing a chapter in my book—a chapter that i'd been struggling with. so i grinned and thanked him and then walked around the yard in my bare feet. there was also some dancing—probably the most joyful in a while for me.
i stood there and came up with ideas for the next chapter, which is quite undeveloped. and what i write is always about what i feel. and right now i'm feeling like i don't want love to be a habit. (i also feel like that's an awkward sentence. my deepest apologies, but i happen to like it.)
it's easy to let it slip away. to settle. to say "i love you" and not mean it. and i can't let that happen. my heart needs more than habit.
and tonight i stood facing the trees and the cloudy, deep, purple sky. he caressed me in the breeze, his arms the wisps of wind encircling me. it was peaceful. wonderful. i remembered what it's like to be in love with God. he dazzles me and leaves me breathless.
that's what writing does to me. actually, that's what art does to me. or . . . beauty. yeah, that's it. he dazzles me with his beauty, and it's overwhelming. and so i write and dance and take pictures and try to paint, and he leaves me standing there with my mouth hanging open and my heart beating fast.
he shows me what love really is, what selfless love is, with no settling into habit. so here i am. writing about how i can't bear to not love my people without meaning it. because if you don't really mean it, is it really love?
and . . . when do you truly not mean it? and when do you?
those are my questions right now, the ones i've got to somehow find answers to. love without a wholehearted mindset sucks, basically, and i hate it when i'm not all there.
but sometimes i'm just not. and part of me thinks that i've settled into loving people, specific people like my family, so much that everything is just habit. muscle memory. and i just don't try anymore because i feel like that's all it is for them, too.
and it scares the hell out of me.
i think we're getting better. we've identified that we aren't as close as a christian family should be, at least. we're taking it slowly. building our relationships back up. and, i think, our broken family is learning to love again.
i hope so.