12.5.15

to be in love with God

//if you are not accustomed to what some people call "bad" or "swear" words, then i suggest you don't read this post, or get parental permission to, if you want to make sure it's okay. (AJ, that's you, my love.) otherwise, read on. but seriously. it's not a swear. it's a word. and it's at the endish of the post, so you could potentially read it and then just not read the rest. but, unfortunately, that would spoil the effect. so don't.//
"oceans" and "touch the sky." i was listening to these two songs, which is highly irregular because i'm not a huge fan of hillsong. but for once, i pushed my cynicism aside and let the music touch my heart.
i stood outside tonight and talked to God and celebrated finishing a chapter in my book—a chapter that i'd been struggling with. so i grinned and thanked him and then walked around the yard in my bare feet. there was also some dancing—probably the most joyful in a while for me.
i stood there and came up with ideas for the next chapter, which is quite undeveloped. and what i write is always about what i feel. and right now i'm feeling like i don't want love to be a habit. (i also feel like that's an awkward sentence. my deepest apologies, but i happen to like it.)
it's easy to let it slip away. to settle. to say "i love you" and not mean it. and i can't let that happen. my heart needs more than habit.
and tonight i stood facing the trees and the cloudy, deep, purple sky. he caressed me in the breeze, his arms the wisps of wind encircling me. it was peaceful. wonderful. i remembered what it's like to be in love with God. he dazzles me and leaves me breathless.
that's what writing does to me. actually, that's what art does to me. or . . . beauty. yeah, that's it. he dazzles me with his beauty, and it's overwhelming. and so i write and dance and take pictures and try to paint, and he leaves me standing there with my mouth hanging open and my heart beating fast.
he shows me what love really is, what selfless love is, with no settling into habit. so here i am. writing about how i can't bear to not love my people without meaning it. because if you don't really mean it, is it really love?
and . . . when do you truly not mean it? and when do you?
those are my questions right now, the ones i've got to somehow find answers to. love without a wholehearted mindset sucks, basically, and i hate it when i'm not all there.
but sometimes i'm just not. and part of me thinks that i've settled into loving people, specific people like my family, so much that everything is just habit. muscle memory. and i just don't try anymore because i feel like that's all it is for them, too.
and it scares the hell out of me.
i think we're getting better. we've identified that we aren't as close as a christian family should be, at least. we're taking it slowly. building our relationships back up. and, i think, our broken family is learning to love again.
i hope so.

Rebekah

13 comments:

  1. this was so beautiful. thank you for sharing. I completely agree with everything you said. I've felt that way a lot, especially recently. in life its so easy to make everything routine, and I never want to get that way about love.
    you are spot on girl.

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    1. Thank you so much for your kind words, Faith. :)

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  2. Beautiful words, Rebekah. Really, truly beautiful. God is so amazing. I ask Him to teach me to love every day...I'll be praying for you and your family, thank you for sharing.

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    1. Thank you so much, Anne Marie! Your prayers mean more to me than I know how to express. :)

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  3. I just found your blog-your writing is beautiful. I find relationships with people to be so much easier than with God who I can't see. I'm still struggling and wrestling and I'm okay with that :)

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  4. Such a beautiful post! Love every word!

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  5. I still love this just as much as I did the first time I read it. <3
    I came over to your blog to congratulate you on your poetry making it into issue 6 of Grafted magazine!! :D It was a pleasant surprise to see a familiar face there and read your beautiful poem.
    Also, I didn't know it until today, but one of my friends submitted a picture of me and another friend that made it onto page 25. XD I had to do a double take. haha :p

    hope you're having a beautiful day, friend.
    xx Sarah

    imsarahanne.blogspot.com

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    1. Aw, thank you Sarah! I looooove Grafted, and I'm glad you do, too! :)
      Haha, well, that's cool! :P

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  6. I struggle with this especially with certain people.

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    1. Same here. I hope you can build your love for them! <3

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  7. That is similar to how I have felt semi-a lot lately when I'm asking God for forgiveness. I've taken Grace for granted in the past, and asked for forgiveness out of habit and haven't thought much about it. Sometimes I'm scared to ask for forgiveness because I feel like I might just go on again sinning in the same way the next day or because I might not truly mean it. . . I haven't been very faithful to God and sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be -and feel- close to Him again.

    Prayers and advice would be greatly appreciated.
    ~a.j.

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